Jul 27
Dip in the Scales
Yeah, life's been kinda sucky lately. It's hard to describe, and even harder to rationalize. There've been few enough things to make it sucky, but it just sorta is. Truth is, a number of good things have happened, enough to balance out the negative you'd think, anyways. But whether it just be some unconscious something or another, or just some sort of generic depression, I just feel all out of sorts. Can't write, can't think, can't really even carry on a conversation. I would make a list of a couple things that have been bothering me, then a couple things that should serve to lighten my mood. Hopefully if I list the positive towards the end, that's what I'll leave with.
Negative #1: School Summer Assignments. Yeah, I have a tendency to procrastinate when it comes to books so poorly written they make me want to go hurt someone, so in that aspect I have no one to blame but myself. But still, it whether I decided to put it off or not, it doesn't change the fact that I have to do it, and I still utterly despise the books. The first one's called Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. It's supposed to be a schoolkids textbook for western philosophy, cleverly disguised as a novel. In truth, it's little more than an average writer's attempt at a classic, and it fails miserably. The man's brilliant at conveying information, but his storytelling is one of the worst I've ever experienced. And I've experienced some really really lousy RPing.
The second book is the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. Quite frankly, I don't care how well this is written, it's 540+ pages of events I have absolutely no interest in at all. Whatever deep, moving messages to be found within can surely be found elsewhere, why am I being made to read this appalling thing?
Negative #2: Driving. I've had my license for a while now, but it's finally coming to the point where I really can't avoid having to actually utilize my ability to drive on my own. Drive period. I'm not bad at it or anything, but I despise doing it, and other drivers quite frankly scare the **** out of me. Call me a wuss, I don't care, it borders irrational phobia.
Negative #3: Friends. It's no secret that I more or less expect ARG to replace me in the Freikorps at some point in the future. Sooner or later, I have no idea, but I expect it, and have expected it since the day I started trying to convince him to join the Comm, and in turn meet Cata. I have no problem with it. If someone can do something better than me and it benefits others, then so be it, let them take the lead, I will help however I can. What I have a problem with is being brushed off. I don't mind being replaced, like a book that's been moved down the shelf to make room for a new favourite, but by no means throw the old book away, it is still good.I'd say that a book has feelings too, but we all know that's not quite true, is it?
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Positive #1: School Starts Soon. That means seeing a number of familiar faces which I haven't seen in a while. It also means lots of laughs are on the way. It's also senior year, which means I need to prepare to go out with a bang. I'm also looking forward to AP Euro class, since I'm hoping it'll help me stay a bit more on par with Cata and his references. Likewise, the Forensic Science class and Chaz's irritatingly accurate deductions.One day Chaz. One day...
Positive #2: Spriting. I picked spriting up again, and found that not only have I not lost what ability I had, but I'm still managing to improve. Or at least I'd like to think so. I'm quite proud of the recreated Renault I made in the FE GBA style, and have placed the still shot in my avatar at the time of posting this. I made it for the purpose of the hack I'm making with a friend (who will be discussed more later), in which he plays a major role in the plot. This in turn came about because I noticed that Renault as a character has one of the most interesting backstories in the series, but is also a very terrible playable unit. Simply put, I believe he deserved better, and so in my hack, h'es going to be the equivalent of Athos in FE7 or Sephiran in FE9&10 (though obviously on the side of good without any doubt). Those of you who have played the games know what I mean.
Positive #3: Friends. They've not been bad to me lately. I've had much more fun chatting with Erica, Paul, Chaz, ARG, Mage, Les, Anne, and others in the past few weeks than I have in a long time. I look forwards to speaking with Erica and Mage more, now that they're back from wherever and so am I. Anne's been a real crutch to lean on lately too. She knows what I mean, and I'll leave it at that. Also, the person I referred to earlier, the friend I'm producing Fire Emblem: Thread of Reality with, has recently been reconciled with. He was the person who hijacked my account a while back. The circumstances behind my forgiving him are far to difficult and many to explain, so I'll just say that Steven is very unique in that he's quite possibly the only person on the planet who could do what he did and I still forgive. All this being said, FE:ToR is back on.
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Meh, I'm done talking about me for now.
Nov 18
Passing of a Home
This blog is a personal one, though it may seem a bit ridiculous. Why ridiculous? Well, it is in tribute to the web forums known as the Fire Emblem Sanctuary of Strategy, or FESS.
For the lack of better terms, I will say that FESS "was my first." When I first began to really get interested in the internet, it was right off a video game high, which was primarily centered around the Fire Emblem Series by Nintendo. So I found FESS. It was my first home on the web. In all reality, I had my internet version of coming of age at FESS, though I'm sure it was largely unnoticed there due to my rather noob-ish reputation and repertoire there. I met people I consider some of my best friends there, including Paul and Zach. I also was introduced to some people whose actions and words resounded with a force very respect-inspiring; though I will not go so far as to say I worshiped them, for they do have faults.
I mourn the demise of FESS more than I would mourn the passing of many other real people I know or places I've lived. For it was a very real home to me, albeit in a disfunctional family sort of way. The Comm itself is largely based on FESS both in structure and policy. The Freikorps, something I am very dedicated to, was founded in the broad web of FESS's Craziness Domain (equivalent to the Comm's Section 8). My first forays into RPing were there, though ironically, the first real RP I participated in was here, at the Comm. It is also home to the infamous BLACKEN.
Hopefully one day once I've accrued some more experience in HTML/CSS workings, I will create a new skin --with Chaz's aid-- which I plan on naming "Requiem." It will an as close imitation as I can make it of the FESS4 skin that was displayed on the forums. I had planned on something like this before, but it is now a primary goal for me, and the name has been changed to reflect the loss as well as the Comm's roots.
I would like to say Rest In Peace FESS, but in good conscience I cannot say that. Saying it would imply that I mean it, and I do not. Mostly because I don't want there to be a reason to say it. To me, FESS is just one of those things that isn't supposed to ever go away. It is true, that a spinoff forum has been started to carry on the FESS legacy, and will be the bearer of the members and traditions of FESS (If they can be called that. Idiosyncrasies perhaps.), but it is not FESS. I'm sorry, but it just isn't. I severely doubt I shall ever join it.
So I will merely pay my respects to the place that was my inspiration for a very long time. I have only one thing to offer as to an opinion:
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Nov 06
My Life and My Family: A Tale of Regret and Hope
I was recently having a conversation with a friend about another friend that we had in common. We both noted how different that person was in real life and on the internet. I must say, I was much the same way until I moved to Berea and had the opprotunity to remake myself in my own idealized image. Yes, my friends here, at least those who had a somewhat more cool relationship with me, have noticed the difference since I have returned. Those who knew better find me little changed. If anything, I've become increasingly bold and brazenly sarcastic.
And opinionated.
And loud.
Oh I was always sarcastic. Let's just say I've become much much less introverted since then. I'm noted now for my inclination towards theatrics and abrasive ego-centric confidence. It wasn't always that way. I used to be pretty quiet. But the fact that I'm "less introverted" is really rather odd though, because ever since about that same time, I've more or less isolated myself from my family. I've found that other than the biologically programmed, instinctual "familial love," I really have no attachment to anyone in my family, immediate or extended. I don't like being around them and sometimes catch myself thinking how stupid and detestable they are. I know that stereotypical "teenage phase." Will I claim that I am completely immune to it? No, I will not, it would be stupid to do so. However, I know this runs deeper with me. Whether I like it or not, I know deep inside the most convoluted and supressed part of my brain I would not miss any of them were they gone, or should I leave.
It is not something I cultivate purposefully, it just IS.
As our good friend Dr. Freud would say: Mother problems. At least to a degree I know this is true, but that is another topic.
If I had a choice between saving my sister and saving, for example, Inuit or Ixaix or Cata or Anne or Chaz, I do not know if I would save my sister. Or my mother or even my grandmother, with whom I have had a strong relationship for a very long time, having grown up more on my grandparents' ten acres of land than my home.
The only person in my family that I ever had a strong and still lasting attachment to, is dead. I can see the rock underneath which his ashes are buried after a walk of less than 60 seconds from my house, and it gives me a detached feeling to the concept of my own family. Perhaps that is why I am so attached to the idea of marrying someday. I want a family, I want to love it, but what I have already will never suffice.
I have made known that one of my number one desires from life is that I want to be married someday and preferably adopt a little girl. When asked specifically about adopting, whether it was that I feel it necessary to give an abandoned child a better life, I replied with the following:
- Quote:
It seems to me, instead of being preoccupied with making even MORE babies, we should take care of the ones already here.
There are other reasons too though.
While I am proud of my heritage -you can ask anybody that knows me about that and they'll tell you exasperatedly that it is true- I am all the more fascinated with a part of the world, and the people of it. I like Asia. It has the most fascinating culture, the most fascinating history, the best anything (in most cases), and, by happenstance, it also has the worst population problem. I can very easily see myself adopting a little Indian, Chinese, or Korean kid.
Again, this comes back to, "Y not just marry a hawt azian chick and make 1?" Well really, the thought patterns that that implies sickens me. Not long ago, an administrator on another forum I go to suspended a member for insulting him. You know what the insult was, primarily? That he was going with his girlfriend just because she was Asian. The thought that one should sexually obsess over another race like that is, in my opinion, disgusting. Unfortunately, because I do have such an adoration for that part of the world, and because Asians are predominantly get slammed with that perverted "race sex obsession," most people immediately ram that down my throat if I so much as mention it.
If I should marry, then it will be because I love that person. It will not be they are Asian, or Caucasian, or African, or anything else. If it is an Asian woman, then so be it. Statistically, the odds are extraordinarily slim that I will marry an Asian woman. Frankly, it doesn't matter to me, I just care about that woman and who she is, once we are together.
And I added:
- Quote:
Though I favor adoption, I in no way oppose natural parentage. To me, adoption just seems to be the logical choice, as reflected in my post. If I should marry and my wife wants to have a child of our own, I will not deny her. Heck, maybe we could just compromise and both parent AND adopt. 2 kids seems like a nice point, a nice, mainstream nuclear family. I would be perfectly fine with having only one child, and I would have no qualms about having two, but I'll say now I would never even consider having more than that.
~Fin
Sep 21
Mirror, Mirror...
This is an epiphany. It is a depressing epiphany resulting from a rare introspective mood on a long, quiet drive home. To a degree, call it emo. So if you ARE emo, or want to “cheer me up,” don’t bother reading past this paragraph. And not to sound selfish, but it IS all about me.
To put things in perspective, it is necessary that I begin with an illustration. All houses, sheds, banks, skyscrapers, castles, manors, mansions, villas; indeed ALL structures ever built to stand the tests of time and mother nature have included one material. Namely, timber. Wood.
Now, wood is vulnerable. It molds, it warps, it is eaten, it rots, it breaks, it burns. And yet it remains a constant factor in every great structure in the history of the world—with the debatable exception of those omnipresent pyramids. What does this have to do with me? Well, my mind, indeed any given individual’s mind can be likened to a building. Some people’s minds are neat, up kept, stately manors, some are formidable fortress castles, and still others are rambling shambles that pass for shacks. Some people have “nerves of steel;” their personalities are clear, pure glass windows to their soul. Their strong mental structure is constructed of stone and concrete and iron and fiberglass. I won’t be so hesitant to compare my own mind to a modern castle: a looming stone monolith with all the latest and greatest amenities. A solid foundation of logic, elegant towers and spires of high achievements, fun filled ballrooms, and the most technological packed working stations, systematically assimilating everything around me. But the fact remains: a part of every mind is timber. The very frames of the vast majority of all structures in the world today are skeletons of lumber, or massive wooden pillars bolted to iron webbings and the concrete foundations. At the very least there are wooden studs holding up the walls.
While thinking about various events and facts regarding my recent life, which I shall not dwell on here, I realized a most important fact about my own mental timbers.
Despite all the logic; despite all the achievements; despite the balance I have so meticulously wrought between that logic and insanity, in an attempt to maintain my own sanity; despite the praise AND criticism I have received; despite all my objectiveness and acceptances, and bold opinions; my timbers are rotting.
It is only a matter of time before they break, and I as a person collapse in depression and chaos.
And why?
Well there are several reasons other than the unsaid issues mentioned earlier (which I will say now are really more minor things that happen to compound the other issues). There is something else about this “mental castle” of mine that I have come to realize.
It isn’t mine.
It doesn’t really belong to me.
I have finally reached the conclusion, which I KNOW is the correct one, that my personality does not actually exist. I am only a conglomerate mirror of every individual—real or fictional—that I have ever encountered. Every stone block and stick of furniture in my “castle” is borrowed from someone else. A stone from SovietComrade’s manor. A brick from Kiseki’s pleasant suburban bungalow. A desk from Colonel Mustang’s office. A security door from Cataphrak’s Black Steel Fortress. A window from my grandparents’ estate house. A placemat from Anne’s front stoop. A book from Ixaix’s library. A sword from Ike’s armoury. Need I go on?
I assume everything and give nothing. As for my own personality—as for Ethan—he doesn’t exist. He died in a second grade elementary school classroom, and his home has long since turned to dust, been trampled down, and had a large, elaborate foundation poured over top of it.
Ah well, I hope I’m at least a good mirror.
Jun 02
Global Warming Fact and Fiction
Many people will respond rather strongly if you ask them about their views on global warming. They will rant and rave about the polar bears on the news and how hot it was on their Alaskan vacation, or if they are somewhat well informed they may spew extinction statistics at you. They may seem particularly concerned that global warming is altering habitats and killing off certain species. Does all this really merit the near hysteria that has been raised over the issue of global warming? Most certainly not. It makes no sense whatsoever that these people, all over the world are afraid of change. Let’s take a trip back to out elementary and high school science classes shall we? What happened to the dinosaurs? They died off. The giant insects, pre-crocodiles, and plants of the Ordovician period of prehistory? Gone. Revolutionary change has been occurring on earth for millions of years, and the dramatic formations of differences and mass extinction is a part of it.
Sometimes the new results are really not as different as it is made out to be either. Some species die out to make room with others. It is the same for global warming. We can make an example of the year 2100. Some people will tell you that the world will be completely covered in either water or flames. If you look closely at what the facts say though, you find that the world of 2100 probably will not be so dissimilar from the world of 2008.
Let us look at the climate. People will tell you that temperatures will sour and the seasons will be crazily shifted. But more likely the temperatures will rise slightly, before falling again. According to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), global temperatures are expected to rise anywhere between 2°F and 12°F, probably about 5°F. This is generally attributed to the massive amounts of greenhouse gases that human activities have pumped into the atmosphere. However, what you have to consider is that the world knows about the “problem” of global warming. Many nations joined the famous Kyoto Accord, and have reduced their emissions drastically. More recently, even the United States has agreed to take actions that would reduce its emissions to levels near that of what Kyoto called for. As these changes produce results, we will see temperatures begin to drop to levels of what we regard as “normal.”
This gives us reason to consider the fact of human activity of global warming. It is reported that if current situations persisted, China would struggle to feed its massive population. The United States would be in a constant state of emergency. And Africa, the part of civilization which contributes the least to this phenomenon, would reap the most severe results. People obviously don’t want this to happen. Who would? Caring, empathetic people don’t want innocents to suffer for their erroneous deeds, and selfish, cruel people do not want their physical being and/or material goods and assets to be harmed. Those who rant and rave about the worst possible scenario of global warming seriously underestimate the human factor.
And what about the world outside the human race? What about the flora and fauna of the world? Pessimists will tell you that blooming times are already changing, that trees are already shifting their populations to areas whose climate has become more suitable to their needs, because their old habitat has become unsuitable due to the results of global warming. Is that not evidence in itself that the plants and the rest of the natural world can care for itself? If that isn’t enough, look at a study done by biologists at the University of California, Irvine. They closely studied field mustard plants and found evidence of rapid adaptation to environmental alteration in those plants. True, these are the end of the spectrum when it comes to the time it takes for plants to adapt, but that doesn’t matter some species may go extinct, but will make room for others.
The main problem that extremists have with global warming is that they think that change is bad. Wake up people! Without change, the human race would not be where it is today. The natural world would be dead if not for change. Stagnation equals death, and at the risk of rambling on into chaos theory, I rest my case.
May 30
Sonnet to Thunder
A story about the wonderful rains
that come from the majestic thunderhead.
I stare in wonder as if held by chains
at that which causes some people to dread.
The watery falcons swoop from their nest,
but feed rather than eat the hungry plants.
And once there, do not return to their nest,
Making lodging amongst the ground and ants.
The whips of lightning crack onto the ground,
taming the wild air with pure power.
Man is well humbled when the storm is found,
wrongly hiding from the helpful shower.
When the sky is cleared and the storm is gone,
man has forgotten its lesson by dawn.
May 30
Fear and the Public
I want to start with a question. What is the first think that comes to your mind when you hear: Islam? If you’re like most mainstream Americans, you are thinking something along the lines of the terroristic events of September 11th, or the conflict in Iraq. This is one very sad aspect of American life. The Muslim people of the world are greatly wronged by the misconception that every one of them are extremists. Less than 10% of all Muslims on the planet are what can be called “extremists” or “terrorists.” And what makes it worse is that Americans think that the Muslim population has no right to be angry. Does that make any sense? Think about it. Wouldn’t you be angry if there was an entire country, not to mention a first world, world-leading country that thought that you and all your family and friends were terrorists? That you would go and kill hundreds of innocent people just because they weren’t the same as you? Of course you’d be angry! They would look down on you, never trust you, and never cut you a break. There are more than plenty of reasons for the world’s Islamic population to be angry.
To have the truth be told, there are just as many Christian terrorists in the world as there are Muslim terrorists. Any way you look at it, there is really no difference, and definitely no reason for Americans to be so prejudice. So why is it that way? The answer is really not so complicated. People need something to fear. Without fear, society cannot function. Before the early 1990’s, when the Soviet Union collapsed, the American people had a wonderful enemy: the Great Red Menace.
“Stand behind your country! If you don’t, you’ll be overrun by communist scum and be stripped of all your rights and forced to live in horrid squalor all your life!” Doesn’t that sound like the mentality of many during the Cold War? Yes, because although it was true that the Soviet Union’s path of communism did some horrible things to people, the media, church, government, big business, and other high parts of society made it out to be even worse than it was. Because that left people in fear. And that fear motivated people. People went to religious services to pray for deliverance. People bough bomb shelters to protect themselves from the impending Nuclear Winter. People joined the military to help combat the Red Curtain and stop it’s domination of the world. And that made everyone happy. But then things changed. The U.S.S.R collapsed, there was no one to fear anymore. The figurehead of the communist empire had fallen under its own weight and strain. What would people do? They couldn’t just leave happy, care free lives. Then everything would become peaceful and prosperous of course, but the U.S. would hold no power. They would become like Switzerland, Canada, or Luxembourg. Rich, peaceful, and un-influential. The American people needed a new threat. One they could combat and make a scene out of so the world would notice them. The higher ups of society wanted it too, so as to line their pockets.
Various threats came and went. Nothing held any lasting power. Until September 11, 2001, when two hijacked planes led by Islamic terrorists crashed into New York’s World Trade Center Towers. At last! The great “World Police” had a new goose to chase. So the media, went about doing what they did best: made as much noise as possible! Because after all, the American people must know what atrocious crimes had been committed against their fellowmen. The church did what they did best: called down fire upon those demons in their sermons. Because after all, God is an all-american boy. The government did their part and said it would hunt down these wrong-doers and restore peace to the countries they dominated. Because after all, the last thing wanted was for another poor country to suffer the loss we had, not to mention that the great American way had been challenged. And big business chipped in as well, selling patriotic bumper stickers and racial-hate merchandise. Because after all, the American people wanted to show their support for their government and the American way. And it’s still happening, which is why we are where we are.
Muslims are slandered everyday by the media and big business merchandise. The government and church have not ceased their tirade, although they’ve tried their best to cover up their deeds. And the American people, who have been used as the supposed benefactors of the cause, have been the equivalent of brain-washed by all the jargon and nationalistic bandwagon thoughts. They really believe, as a whole, that Islam is the enemy. Which is quite simply wrong. In every way wrong. Fear is the enemy. For fear perpetuates the hateful cycle, and if you trace it correctly, you will most certainly find that fear is what caused the terrorist attacks of 9-11. And all the others around the world.
So why victimize the religion of Islam? Why dig up scapegoat after scapegoat for a practically meaningless purpose of inflating ego and imagined personal safety? That is an answer you must provide. Because those same “great American people,” who so blindly follow their self-proclaimed social higher ups, they must be the ones to end the cycle. And it’s really a very simple process. Just listen to all the facts, and realize that their isn’t nearly as much fear in the world as one would think; if one doesn’t help create it. Henry Miller, a famous author once said, “Actually we are a vulgar, pushing mob whose passions are easily mobilized by demagogues, newspaper men, religious quacks, agitators and such like. To call this a society of free peoples is blasphemous. What have we to offer the world besides the superabundant loot which we recklessly plunder from the earth under the maniacal delusion that this insane activity represents progress and enlightenment?” He was right. More than he could ever know.
So look yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself just what it is that you fear, and is it really all that scary? I’m sure that if you find the right answer, than you can pass this message on to someone else, in your own unique way. And they will as well. And although it may seem clichéd, everyone will learn to open their eyes. And maybe we’ll stop being so scared all the time.
6:21 AM Jul 29
